As more of my hair gets peppered with salt, I somewhat seem to be able to figure out stuff I wasn’t able to before. Does it mean I’m finally growing more grey matter? Probably not. There’s way more to mental illnesses than low intelligence. Being a retard doesn’t mean that you cannot be smart in some areas but you just aren’t up to par in what is normally achievable. Still, everything is relative. Being younger, I loved to judge, stereotype, find social stigmata, as it brought me some sense of equality in my own disadvantaged world. Then it became simply humor. Harmless fun to keep the liver healthy…
Now, I find that personal happiness drives our lives, our day to day actions, in ways that need not be challenged by other people. It’s your own thing, unselfishness doesn’t exist, it’s a myth, as we do everything for ourselves. You’d like to think you’re not selfish but it’s all that people are. What about good samaritans, caregivers, charity workers? Selfish. Yes, selfish. Everyone. Think about it. Even if you think you’re putting other people in front of your own needs, you are not, you’re lying to yourself. Why do you do it? Because you wouldn’t feel good about yourself if you didn’t. Maybe guilt would eat you. You find inner happiness by the false belief that you’re helping others, that you’re “a good person”. For you people, it’s your ego, not your faith, that actually needs it. It’s fake happiness but does it matter in the end? Of course not. If it makes you happy and in return it also makes others feel the same, then all the better! So hey, being selfish is not a bad thing… it’s a good thing!
Haha! I had to! ^^
I’ve been on the receiving end of people’s spite most of my life. I’ve learned to… not really live with it but actually live around it. Then the internet came… and social media. How can I get around so many potential scalding eyes? At first, I couldn’t. Got messed up pretty bad in it. Then I said, hey, let’s show off things that make me happy. It helped but didn’t solve much of anything. Haters will hate, sure, but it wasn’t enough. I had to find another way of doing things. Meanwhile, I was doing some of the hate myself; not realizing I actually was doing to others, albeit very much indirectly, the same that I wanted gone from my life. They most likely wouldn’t find out so it wouldn’t affect them. That was my excuse. At the same time, I was giving myself honors for upholding my principles of respect, especially of other people’s tastes and hobbies.
As more salt got onto my head and face, I got to the realization of a few things that I was lying to myself about in the past. Wabi~Sabi “phase 2” was not built entirely only for my own enjoyment. It was tainted by popular fads and expectations. It wasn’t what I truly wanted, albeit it was generally well received, but it didn’t feel right. What happened and why? “Phase 1” was all for me, wasn’t it? Rally graphics, fake WRC lookalike parts, etc. Sounds familiar? Isn’t that RICE?! It didn’t matter, I dreamed about what my life would have been like as a pro rally driver. What I wasn’t able to achieve. I needed it for me. I was selfish and I was happy! “Phase 2” was unselfish. Well, not all of it but still… but as we know now, unselfishness is a lie.
So, did I actually say in that last paragraph that RICE once made me happy? Well, look at that, I did! Then maybe I should stop wincing at the sight of a riced out vehicle. Yeah, but look at that shit; fake vents, stick-on crap, fart cannon, it’s not how you build a true performance car! I used to judge exactly the same way… but what if it makes the guy happy? The lightly salted Jay would say: “Yes, but if he/she is doing it in hopes to get looked at, to appear “cool”, then it’s not a good reason!” Meanwhile, albeit my reasons may have been different, I was ranting at how some people didn’t like my own project. Jay, you dumbass ironic idiot, do grow up!
Today, medium salted Jay realizes that the reason doesn’t matter: only personal happiness is. Those ricers are all right! Who am I to fucking judge? Their car makes them happy inside and I’m therefore happy for them! I apologize to any I might have criticized in the past, especially the guy who turned his Mazda 626 into a fiberglassed monster; it’s your baby, you love it, the time you spent on it felt good, but try not to tell lies and/or get some of your facts straight. Otherwise, thumbs up my friend!
It was a long process though but I already had started to creep towards it. Wabi~Sabi “Phase 3” was a step towards that goal. The soup needed more salt though. However, changing the recipe made other people liking the soup less and less. It made some folks walk out the front door. But I liked it salty. I really did! Then “Phase 4” came and the soup got salted beyond most people’s tolerances. Ironically, as I was becoming happier inside, the diner, once packed, got emptier. It made me doubt myself for a bit. Then I went for it, screw them, and I added more salt again. I relished every sip of it, every minute of it; every cut, every bruise, and every sleepless night.
That being said, it’s OK for you not to like how the soup has become even if you once was a huge fan, I can understand. I won’t think any less of you for it. However, if you’re still here just so my feelings don’t get hurt from seeing you leave, don’t bother. Be selfish. Remember, it’s actually a good thing! Time is precious and should be spent wisely. Oh, and, pssssssit! let me tell you a little secret… get your ear closer… the follower count won’t go down even if you opt out / cancel! Yes, it’s ego friendly like that! Ain’t that great?!
Today, I am an happy man! My health is getting better, although everything is not fixed, but that is the subject of another time. The future looks brighter, happier, overall better. Yes, but you say that salt is not good for the heart. I say fuck it! At least, I’ll die a happy man. Try it a bit, be selfish, be yourself, do not pretend, and salt the fuck out of anything that makes you happy. Other people can go play in traffic, it’s not your problem, if anything they’ll be jealous of your happiness. If you don’t get it or don’t agree, don’t worry as I’ve been there myself too, but let time pass and let the gray come. The other grey it normally carries will help you understand. If it still doesn’t, then it means that you never will. You somehow need it for your ego, probably to cover other problems in hopes to keep yourself happy inside. It may be a fake happiness but it’s OK too! Who am I to judge? Just – errrrm, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!